Monday, October 13, 2008

The Truth Behind Thomas the Tank Engine

Thomas the Tank Engine is a cheeky little train, and he and his friends live on the Island of Sodor, where the people are friendly and everyone loves trains. On the Island of Sodor, there isn’t anything that can’t be done with a little hard work, compromise and collaboration. Seemingly everything on the island is run by Sir Topham Hatt, otherwise known as The Fat Controller, a small, round man who is stern, but has a heart of gold. At least, that’s what the show would want you to believe. To even a casual observer, however, the truth should be apparent.

-The Island of Sodor is an ass-backwards place where there are cars, planes, helicopters and more, but everything is done via the railroad. Sure, trains are useful, but no one seems to recognize how limited a train is in terms of where you can go and what you can do.

-For all the many, many accidents these trains have there are zero fatalities. Somehow, the people involved miraculously throw themselves from the train at just the right moment to avoid injury. I’m sorry, but this is just statistically impossible. I’m thinking their must be some kind of cover up involved to confound the railway’s safety inspector.

-Thomas the Tank Engine and the other trains are all a bunch of whiny bitches. That’s right, that’s all they are. The show might want you to believe that Thomas and friends are a happy bunch, but seriously, all the trains do is complain about the work they have to do until they get their way or are forced into labor. The show passes it off as there are lessons to be learned, but really, the trains are used as slave labor.

-What the heck are Thomas and his friends. No one knows the origins of these sentient locomotives. Are they alien beings come to the Island of Sodor from some far off planet? Are they human souls that have been trapped within the trains by the wicked Sir Topham Hatt and his evil league of conductors? Are they some form of artificial intelligence created to reduce the human workforce needed to run the island’s extensive railway system? Also, the trains appear to be immortal, because no matter how many accidents they have or how extensive the damage, they are always repaired and good as new.

-Sir Topham Hatt is a wicked, evil man who rules over the island with an iron fist. No one is allowed to step out of line when it comes to the railway. The Fat Controller has a hand in everything, including the ship yards, airways, roads, the factory system and the Island of Sodor’s natural resources. While Mr. Hatt might put on a friendly face for the general populous of the island, he is a real hard ass when it comes to keeping the trains in line. He commands when and how the trains are repaired, when they are reduced to scrap, and when and how they work.

In reality, the island would probably be more like this:

or this:


Eric said...

What the heck are Thomas and his friends?

First generation Transformers? (Slightly) more than meets the eye (but not as much more)?

kimby said...

Thanks for the laugh today! I remember watching hour after hour of Thomas, when my oldest was little. Thank goodness the youngest one really wanted nothing to do with them. She said they were creepy!

mattw said...

Eric, Maybe they're the bastard children of Astrotrain and a Earth-based locomotive. Would that be like Transformer beastiality?

Kimby, We took Logan to the Day Out With Thomas over the summer, which is an event where there's a life sized Thomas, and plenty of food, drink, and merchandise to be price gouged on. He loved it, but the big train looked like it was ready to start eating children.

MWT said...


Long ago, I named one of my planets "Sodoron."

Then I discovered that the Thomas the Train had stolen the name, the pesky thieves. :p So I shortened the name of my planet to "Sodor."

Well, what do I discover a few years later but they did the same thing! ARRRRRRGHHH!!!

I'm not changing the name of my planet again. They're just going to have to find their name ideas from somewhere else from now on. -.-