When you create your account on the “game” it asks for your age and height, and then it weighs you and gives you a couple of balance tests to tell you what your Wii Fit “age” is. Your Wii Fit age is your body’s approximate age according to your actual age and how well your body responds to the balance and coordination games it gives you. I think the first time we used it, it told me I was 54.
The game also tells you, based on height and weight, your BMI and lets you know if you’re “underweight,” “normal,” “overweight” or “obese.” The I fall into the last category, unfortunately. It also adjusts how your avatar looks to reflect your BMI, so I’ve got a rotund Mii staring back at me. I was sure to thank my mother-in-law for getting us a Christmas present that tells me just how much of a fat ass I am.
The game encourages you to use it every day, but life happens and I don’t always get to it. Here’s our exchange from last night.
Wii Fit: Good evening mattw. Relaxing after a long day? (I know, I’m a dork and my online handle is the same as my Wii Fit identity.) I see you haven’t logged on for three days. You should really come back every day for the best results.
Me: Fuck you. I work two jobs and have a two-year-old. I’ve been a little busy.
Wii Fit: Would you like to hear a fitness tip?
Me: No, I don’t want to hear one of your lame tips. Could we just get to the exercising part please?
Wii Fit: *dejected* Ok…you know, if you want a tip, you can always ask later.
Me: I don’t want any damn tips, ok!?!
Wii Fit: Oh, ok, but if you change your-
Me: No. Let’s just get to the exercising. [commence approximately a half hour of exercising]
Wii Fit: Ok, let’s do your body test. Stand on the platform and relax…Oh, your center of balance is off.
Me: Oh, really? No surprise since it’s slightly to the right or left every time I’ve stood on you.
Wii Fit: You should work on your center of balance, blah, blah, blah…
Me: Ok, moving on.
Wii Fit: Here’s your BMI, tubby. And here’s your weight. Oh look, you lost 0.4 lbs. Only 3.5 lbs. to your goal. Keep it up.
Me: Yeah, thanks, whatever. I’m sure you’ll just tell me I gained it back tomorrow. You’re going back under the couch.
Wii Fit: No! Don’t put me under there, it’s dark and I think your kid’s fallen goldfish crackers are plotting against me.
Overall, so far I’ve lost about 5 lbs., but the stupid thing is quick to let you know when you’ve gained a little back, and if you somehow have a fluctuation of +2 lbs. since the last time you were on you have to tell it why. Then it reprimands you. Also, every time it gives me my BMI, the little cutesy computerized voice says “That’s obese!” Fucking machines.