Thursday, February 28, 2008

Article From Hell

Ugh, the article from hell is finally out of my hands (temporarily) as I wait for it to be laid out. Then I have to send it off to the company it's about so they can look it over, which I'm not looking forward to. I tried to keep everything out of it that they didn't want in, so hopefully they won't have any problems with it. My goal is to get it to them by tomorrow morning at the latest and then get it back by Monday noonish and be done with it.

Also, has anyone else noticed that there's way too much Eels on my itunes at work? I swear, when it's no shuffle, every third song is an Eels song. I love the band, but there's a point where it's just too much.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Some Random Dialogue

"Wow, your sword is impossibly huge," Janet said.

"And it's on fire," Tim added.

"Yeah, isn't it great," Jared said. He couldn't keep the pride from his

Alternate Star Wars Dialogue

"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you could ever imagine," said Obi-Wan

"Oh," said Darth Vader, pausing. "In that case, I think I'll just jab you a few times and lock you away for the next 100 years."

"Oh damn."

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

The Worst Part

It is pretty much agreed among the office that the worst part of the interview/write up the article process is the transcription. That's what I've been doing all day. It's a short interview too, compared to others, and I can't for some reason bring myself to just plow through it and get it done. If I remember correctly, I have ten minutes worth of recording left and if my brain isn't gray mush dribbling down my ear by the time I'm done, then maybe I'll actually get to the article. Thankfully, the day is in the home stretch. I need a nap.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Loooooong Day

All the bosses are gone and a couple of my coworkers called in sick. I am so bored right now. It's not that I don't have work to do; I have plenty I could be working on. It's just hard to get motivated to do something while there's no one else around. I don't know why that is, that's just the way it is.

So while I could be doing something I find myself here, telling anyone who happens to read this why I'm not doing those things. There are others who sit around me, who I can hear talking right now, but there's a cubicle wall between us and at this point that feels like a mountain range that cannot be passed.

Even if my other coworkers had not called in sick today, I know that with the bosses gone and the issue cycle being fresh it's still hard to get everything done. Those deadlines, I don't always like 'em, but damn are they useful.

Ok. Enough messing around. Back to work.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Survival Tip #328

"Hyenas might seem like friendly creatures, but you should never, never laugh along with them," says Herbert Anderson, zoo keeper and amateur comedian. "I was trying out my act on 'em during feeding time. I thought I had hit a chord when they all started laughing. I started laughing too and that's when they got mad. I barely got away from them. Lost two of the fingers on my right hand. After that, they had to switch me over to petting zoo duty. I still hear them laughing in my nightmares."

Despite their seemingly jovial demeanor, hyenas are vicious, wild animals. Because of their laughter-like calls and their dog-like appearance, many people believe them to be friendly. Hyenas possess powerful jaws, capable of biting through bone, and their strong digestive system has highly acidic fluids, making them capable of eating and digesting bone. The animals also have a level of intelligence that some say is on par with apes, which makes them all the more dangerous.

"We were in the African savannahs on a fact-finding mission when we were woken by some hyenas laughing out in the dark," says Matt Wallace a globetrotting UFO researcher. "We flipped on the lights to take a look, and the hyenas moved back so we couldn't see them, but we could still hear them. We tried throwing some food out to them, thinking they'd eat it and leave, but that just seemed to make them want to stick around. Then I remembered what the guidebook had said about the hyenas not liking black rope licorice. I hated to give up my stash of it, but we ended up tearing up all the licorice and throwing it out the windows. By morning they had all gone."

It is well documented, but not totally understood, that the scent of black rope licorice will drive away hyenas, much like the way moth balls will deter some animals from entering a garden. It is also documented that if an individual has consumed enough of the candy, so much that the body exudes the licorice scent, that the hyenas will maintain a safe distance if they do not leave entirely.

Among the hyenas' few natural enemies is the lion, and unless they are gathered in a large group, hyenas will usually leave when they believe lions are near. Without actual lions being present, sight and smell make suitable substitutes. If one is near hyenas and fears they will attack, he or she could spread lion musk downwind of the hyenas so they pick up the scent while playing a lion's roar over some a loudspeaker or megaphone. While effective, this tactic is not without its own drawbacks.

"A while back we were on safari as kind of a second honeymoon, and when our tour guide stopped to relieve himself in the bush, we were beset by those horrible hyenas," says Jane Winslow, who holds the record for most on-air calls to QVC in a 24-hour period. "The tour guide came running back to the bus and started sprinkling this awful smelling stuff on the ground, which he later told us was some kind of lion scent, and then he flipped a switch and some speakers began playing these loud roars. The hyenas left pretty quick after that, but then while the tour guide was trying to calm everyone down a group of lions had come, attracted by the noise and the smell."

Monday, February 11, 2008

Things I've Learned

1. Mystery meat (of what I believe is the sausage (salami-esque) variety) will not be good because it is grilled. Even with spices on it.

2. When a napkin is wadded up and thrown into the wax of a burning candle, it will provide more light for you to rip wall paper down in the dark when there is no power at your father-in-law's house. A second napkin will create a larger flame with even more light. However, the napkins will not absorb and burn off wax fast enough to counter the heat output. Therefore, by the time you realize how stupid it is to have a large candle with two napkin wicks burning under the counter and you're able to put it out, you will have a large puddle of cooling purple wax on the floor.

3. A ten-month-old is capable of producing "spit up" which is not too bad and easy to clean up, and then a ten-month-old can actually vomit, which requires a bath. In the case of the latter, it is also easier to clean up when the ten-month-old is only clad in a diaper.

4. When you're boss comes by to ask you a question and you have one earbud in, you shouldn't throw the earbud aside without a glance, because then it will land in your coffee mug, which is full of hot coffee. Of course, by the time you notice, the earbud will be thoroughly soaked, warm and will not play nearly as loud as it did moments before.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Coke Reward Points

Just got done adding a bunch of points to my My Coke Rewards account. What the hell am I saving these things for anyway?

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The Power of Shame

Recently, in the office there's been a problem with someone's personal hygiene habits in the men's room. It's gross and no one wants to see it, but I guess it was tolerable. One of those unfortunate things that happens when you have to share a bathroom with a bunch of other people. Well, that wasn't good enough and some anonymous person decided to take matters into his own hands and he left a note. One day, a single piece of paper with a short, simple letter was taped to the wall above the urinals. It read:

Dear Mr. Boogers,

Stop wiping your snot all over the bathroom walls. It's disgusting.

Everyone else who uses this bathroom

The sign was up for a few days before it came down, and it has worked because the amount of new boogers on the wall has significantly decreased. Ah, the power of shame among your peers and coworkers. It is a force to be reckoned with. Now if only we could find out the secret identity of the sign posting vigilante.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Obligitory First Post

Hello and welcome to my latest attempt at a blog. This will be, I hope, something that I will update on a (semi) regular basis and become a permanent home for my thoughts, my day-to-day bullshit, my writing updates and anything else that comes to mind. There's a lot that I would like to with the site, and I've been sitting on it for a long time, trying to find a good blog name/url, but it appears everything I think of is taken already, so what the hell, I'll just go with this.

A little about me. I'm married with one son (15 months) and live in the greater Chicago area. I'm a wanna be fiction writer, with a handful of rejection letters and no actual sales yet. But they'll come. If I keep going, they'll come. I enjoy spending time with my family, reading, writing, etc. etc. etc. Does anyone really care about it?

For the weekend my wife's been out of town. She's been skating with her synchro team in Tennessee. I've been home with the munchkin and it's been an educational experience. I couldn't stay home I don't think. I need other adult interaction. Not that I haven't totally enjoyed spending a lot of quality time with him, but I'm going a little nuts. Oh well, she'll be home tomorrow and Logan will be happy. He's been missing her, I know.

I also had to take a lot of vacation time this week from work for illness and to stay home with Logan. So, I probably shouldn't be doing this. Instead I should be working on my articles. This will make for a kind of sucky obligatory first post, but oh well. that's just the way it goes. If I get a lot done, I'll do something more tonight. We'll see.