Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Survival Tip #55418, Wounded and Engraged Wildebeests

What would you do if you came face to face with a wounded and enraged wildebeest?

“You certainly wouldn’t want to offer it a banana,” says wildebeest tamer and lead didgeridoo-player for the band Rhino Stomp, Dirk Wallababa. “A banana will only enrage it further.”

Instead, experts agree that one should immediately apply a liberal coating of turtle wax to the animals horns and bony protrusion. As the wildebeest is naturally a very vain animal, it will appreciate the new car shine that it gets from the wax. The rubbing motion will also help soothe the constant headache wildebeests are known to have due to their constant ramming and having to hold up those horns all the time.

After the animal has been calmed, one may look at the wound, but under no circumstances should it be touched. Also, one should not mention the unsightliness of the wound as this may cause the animal to go into another fit of rage. Instead, say “It doesn’t look that bad, honestly,” or something along those lines.

“If that doesn’t work, or you don’t have any turtle wax with you, point off behind the animal and shout something like ‘Oh my God!,’” explains animal expert and author of Is That a Kiwi Bird in Your Pocket or Are You Just Happy to See Me?, Michael Sofaking. “Everyone knows that the wildebeest is a stupid creature. All of that head bashing will kill a good portion of the brain cells on any animal.”


Some dude stuck in the Midwest said...

How 'bout "NO you don't look fat!"?

Will that force the beast in the passive agressive behavior?

mattw said...

It might work.

vince said...

Or offer it a mirror and run.