Wednesday, May 14, 2008
The Sound at the End of the World
The sound that heralded the end of the world was the most annoying thing ever heard. A high pitched warbling that repeated the same handful of notes over and over, it cut through the thoughts of everyone, jack hammering into their brains. The sound that came before that was rather more interesting. And the sound that came after was easily a million times more interesting. But then compared to the sound at the end of the world, just about anything would be.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Monday Monotany Meltdown: The Greatest Super Power That Never Was
For an explanation of the Monday Monotany Meltdown, click here. And now, on with the show...
The greatest super power that never was is the power to blink truly annoying people into an alternate dimension. In this alternate universe, these people would sit in a kind of purgatory, trapped with other truly annoying individuals. The hero would have to make periodic visits to this other place to determine which of the inhabitants have changed their ways so that they may return to the true world.
Of course, a hero of this nature would have to be totally just and righteous and good to determine fairly and accurately who would need to go to that dimension. That person wouldn't ever really exist. And that is why this is the greatest power that never was. Of course, one day this ability may very well manifest in a retail setting, in which case no one would be safe.
The Greatest Super Power That Never Was
The greatest super power that never was is the power to blink truly annoying people into an alternate dimension. In this alternate universe, these people would sit in a kind of purgatory, trapped with other truly annoying individuals. The hero would have to make periodic visits to this other place to determine which of the inhabitants have changed their ways so that they may return to the true world.
Of course, a hero of this nature would have to be totally just and righteous and good to determine fairly and accurately who would need to go to that dimension. That person wouldn't ever really exist. And that is why this is the greatest power that never was. Of course, one day this ability may very well manifest in a retail setting, in which case no one would be safe.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Happy Mother's Day
Happy Mothers Day to all those mothers out there! I celebrated with my mother yesterday. We went simple with some flowers and a new photo of Logan. Today my wife, a very wonderful mother, had a relaxing day, and my mother-in-law came over for a little cook out. I hope my wife had a great day, and I hope that all mothers out there did as well. Where would the world be without mothers?
Friday, May 9, 2008
Funtastic Friday Follies! The Great Muppet Caper
If you're looking for an explanation of the what and why of Funtastic Friday Follies, click here. Otherwise, here we go! (I'm so excited.)
Kermit inched his way forward through the duct work and came to another vent. Peering down into the room, he saw Rowlf tied to a chair in the middle of the small space. Blood soaked the shaggy fur in his neck and chest, and it flowed freely from his nose. The dog was looking at a man turned to a small table, on which rested a small torch, pliers, a hammer, a bolt cutter, and several other small metallic objects.
The frog saw green skin as the man dropped a bloody pair of brass knuckles on the table. The man’s hand swayed over the other implements, undecided as to what to choose, and settled on the torch. As he turned and smiled, Kermit saw a glint of gold in the man’s mouth.
“Wha-What’s that,” Rowlf asked.
Dr. Teeth didn’t say anything. Instead, he sparked the torch to life. Rowlf looked around nervously as Dr. Teeth approached.
“Now listen, man,” Dr. Teeth said in his ruff, deep voice. “I don’t want to be a total drag or anything, but I need that intel.”
He waved the torch casually over Rowlf’s arm and Kermit could smell the foul odor of burnt fur a moment later. Rowlf gritted his teeth, but did not cry out.
Kermit flipped open his wrist communicator and tapped off a quick message to Miss Piggy at central command. ::Found the pooch and the good doctor. They aren’t playing nice.::
“Where are your operatives hiding,” asked Dr. Teeth.
“Go to Hell,” spat Rowlf.
Kermit closed the communicator and looked down to see the torch being applied to the dog’s stomach. Rowlf cried out, but clamped his mouth shut quickly. The stench got much worse, and underneath, the frog could smell burning flesh. The doctor pulled the torch away, and his eyes lit up as an idea blossomed in his head.
“You’re a piano player, right?” Dr. Teeth said this as he extinguished the torch and walked back to the table. “It would be a shame is something were to happen to your fingers.”
When he turned back, he was the carrying the bolt cutter. He took a handle in each hand and snapped it menacingly a few times.
“Hey, be cool,” said Rowlf. Dr. Teeth snapped the bolt cutter again, just above the first finger on Rowlf’s left hand. “Look, uh, you don’t want to do anything that might get you in serious trouble later.” The doctor opened the bolt cutter and placed the blades on either side of Rowlf’s finger. “Uh, ok, you know I can’t tell you anything. If I talk, then M.U.P.P.E.T. will just have me killed anyway.”
“That’s not my problem, man. I just want some info.” He began to bring his hands together.
Rowlf yelped and shouted for Dr. Teeth to stop. There was desperation in his voice. The gold tooth glinted again, as Dr. Teeth smiled wide.
“You tell me what I want to know and maybe you can join the Electric Mayhem,” he said.
I don’t believe it, Kermit thought. That son of a bitch is gonna talk. He tapped out another message to Miss Piggy, ::The piano player’s going to sing.::
The Great Muppet Caper
Had Kermit the Frog known just how dangerous this mission would be from the beginning, he might have told The Puppet Master to eff off. Then again, he never felt more alive than when he was in the thick of a mission and the shit was about to hit the fan. Kermit inched his way forward through the duct work and came to another vent. Peering down into the room, he saw Rowlf tied to a chair in the middle of the small space. Blood soaked the shaggy fur in his neck and chest, and it flowed freely from his nose. The dog was looking at a man turned to a small table, on which rested a small torch, pliers, a hammer, a bolt cutter, and several other small metallic objects.
The frog saw green skin as the man dropped a bloody pair of brass knuckles on the table. The man’s hand swayed over the other implements, undecided as to what to choose, and settled on the torch. As he turned and smiled, Kermit saw a glint of gold in the man’s mouth.
“Wha-What’s that,” Rowlf asked.
Dr. Teeth didn’t say anything. Instead, he sparked the torch to life. Rowlf looked around nervously as Dr. Teeth approached.
“Now listen, man,” Dr. Teeth said in his ruff, deep voice. “I don’t want to be a total drag or anything, but I need that intel.”
He waved the torch casually over Rowlf’s arm and Kermit could smell the foul odor of burnt fur a moment later. Rowlf gritted his teeth, but did not cry out.
Kermit flipped open his wrist communicator and tapped off a quick message to Miss Piggy at central command. ::Found the pooch and the good doctor. They aren’t playing nice.::
“Where are your operatives hiding,” asked Dr. Teeth.
“Go to Hell,” spat Rowlf.
Kermit closed the communicator and looked down to see the torch being applied to the dog’s stomach. Rowlf cried out, but clamped his mouth shut quickly. The stench got much worse, and underneath, the frog could smell burning flesh. The doctor pulled the torch away, and his eyes lit up as an idea blossomed in his head.
“You’re a piano player, right?” Dr. Teeth said this as he extinguished the torch and walked back to the table. “It would be a shame is something were to happen to your fingers.”
When he turned back, he was the carrying the bolt cutter. He took a handle in each hand and snapped it menacingly a few times.
“Hey, be cool,” said Rowlf. Dr. Teeth snapped the bolt cutter again, just above the first finger on Rowlf’s left hand. “Look, uh, you don’t want to do anything that might get you in serious trouble later.” The doctor opened the bolt cutter and placed the blades on either side of Rowlf’s finger. “Uh, ok, you know I can’t tell you anything. If I talk, then M.U.P.P.E.T. will just have me killed anyway.”
“That’s not my problem, man. I just want some info.” He began to bring his hands together.
Rowlf yelped and shouted for Dr. Teeth to stop. There was desperation in his voice. The gold tooth glinted again, as Dr. Teeth smiled wide.
“You tell me what I want to know and maybe you can join the Electric Mayhem,” he said.
I don’t believe it, Kermit thought. That son of a bitch is gonna talk. He tapped out another message to Miss Piggy, ::The piano player’s going to sing.::
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Relief
For nearly the past 7 years I've been working at the OfficeMax in West Dundee. For a while it was OK. There are nice people who work there. I was part-time, then full-time, then I got a full-time office job and quit for a couple months. However, this didn't work with the family I was starting, so I had to go back on a part-time basis. It's not something that I wanted to do, but I swallowed my pride and went back. I've been working two (or 1.5) jobs for the last three and a half years.
People at the store have come and gone, and things change. The manager that was there when I was hired quit a few months ago, and she took any real allegiance I had to the store with her. Now, it's a little ridiculous for me to be going all the way out there, especially considering the cost of gas and the fact that when I go out there during the week it's 30 miles from the office. Compound that with working with people I couldn't stand, poor management, and dealing with the same crappy customers day after day. Needless to say, it was time to find something else.
So I began looking for something else, but I didn't want just anything. I wanted out of retail. Forever. I waited and waited, because at least I had a job right? And finally, I found it. So I applied. And then I didn't hear anything. And then I heard from them, and I got an interview and they said they'd let me know. And then I didn't hear anything. And finally, they did call me and they offered me the job. And it was glorious!
Instandly, I began to think of all the things I wouldn't have to do again: taking furniture out to customers' cars, selling add ons, selling warranties, having to worry about sales, plan-o-grams, straightening a store, dealing with the stupid managers at OfficeMax...the list goes on an on.
So this week I got to start at the library. I've only had one shift so far, but there's a lot more to it than I would have though. I know, I know. It's a library, everyone says, how hard can it be? Well there's more to it than I would have thought. I can't wait until Saturday, my last day at the Max, when I can say 'see ya' and be on my merry way. Until then, well, I've got my dreams.
People at the store have come and gone, and things change. The manager that was there when I was hired quit a few months ago, and she took any real allegiance I had to the store with her. Now, it's a little ridiculous for me to be going all the way out there, especially considering the cost of gas and the fact that when I go out there during the week it's 30 miles from the office. Compound that with working with people I couldn't stand, poor management, and dealing with the same crappy customers day after day. Needless to say, it was time to find something else.
So I began looking for something else, but I didn't want just anything. I wanted out of retail. Forever. I waited and waited, because at least I had a job right? And finally, I found it. So I applied. And then I didn't hear anything. And then I heard from them, and I got an interview and they said they'd let me know. And then I didn't hear anything. And finally, they did call me and they offered me the job. And it was glorious!
Instandly, I began to think of all the things I wouldn't have to do again: taking furniture out to customers' cars, selling add ons, selling warranties, having to worry about sales, plan-o-grams, straightening a store, dealing with the stupid managers at OfficeMax...the list goes on an on.
So this week I got to start at the library. I've only had one shift so far, but there's a lot more to it than I would have though. I know, I know. It's a library, everyone says, how hard can it be? Well there's more to it than I would have thought. I can't wait until Saturday, my last day at the Max, when I can say 'see ya' and be on my merry way. Until then, well, I've got my dreams.
New Features!!!
In an effort to keep the blog machine rolling, consolidate blogs, and be more creative more frequently, I’m introducing two new features to Trying To Be Clever. Are you ready for it? Are you sure? If you’re not ready for it, just take a breather and then come back, I’ll still be here. Ok. Better now?
Announcing…Monday Monotony Meltdown and Funtastic Friday Follies! *applause*
A while back (last year in those innocent days of 2007), new to the whole blogging thing, I decided to start up a blog where every day I would post something that was just off the wall and completely out there. It went pretty good for a while, but then I discovered it’s hard to keep up a steady pace of craziness when you’re working two jobs, trying to spend time with your wife, trying to spend time with/raise a child, do what needs to be done in the house, not have a mental meltdown, etc. So the crazy blogging slowed down, then picked up a little (I think) and then stopped. Then I started up this blog, one that I would talk about anything that came to mind and put up some fun/creative stuff too. Hopefully I would build up some readership and everyone would be pleased with the result.
Well now I’ve started to get into the same cycle, where I’m not blogging as much as I’d like to (at least three times a week), mainly for the reasons that I listed above. Plus, after being on a computer all day for work, who wants to go home and be on a computer all night? Not me. So anyway, what is a guy to do? Consolidate and move forward. (seems logical to me at this point)
By the Power of Grayskull, from here on out, Mondays and Fridays will feature something from the fun/goofy/crazy/creative side of life. The MMM and triple F will be spectacular (maybe). In the beginning I will be able to pull posts from the previous blog to fill in, once they’re used up, the old blog will be gone, and someone else can take the address if they so choose (nothing irked me so much when I was trying to figure out where this blog would be as when I’d try an address and see the person using it hadn’t touched it in years or signed up for it and then never did anything with it). I’ll also intersperse other fictions and things that I’ve done.
I want to use this space not only as an outlet for myself, but also as a place where people might like to come and hang out from time to time. But to do that, I have to make the place inviting for others. Slowly but surely it will happen. As the wise-beyond-his-years Wayne Campbell would say, “It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine.”
Tomorrow I think I’ll start out with a real whiz-banger of an idea. Tune in. I’m sure you’ll be pleased.
Announcing…Monday Monotony Meltdown and Funtastic Friday Follies! *applause*
A while back (last year in those innocent days of 2007), new to the whole blogging thing, I decided to start up a blog where every day I would post something that was just off the wall and completely out there. It went pretty good for a while, but then I discovered it’s hard to keep up a steady pace of craziness when you’re working two jobs, trying to spend time with your wife, trying to spend time with/raise a child, do what needs to be done in the house, not have a mental meltdown, etc. So the crazy blogging slowed down, then picked up a little (I think) and then stopped. Then I started up this blog, one that I would talk about anything that came to mind and put up some fun/creative stuff too. Hopefully I would build up some readership and everyone would be pleased with the result.
Well now I’ve started to get into the same cycle, where I’m not blogging as much as I’d like to (at least three times a week), mainly for the reasons that I listed above. Plus, after being on a computer all day for work, who wants to go home and be on a computer all night? Not me. So anyway, what is a guy to do? Consolidate and move forward. (seems logical to me at this point)
By the Power of Grayskull, from here on out, Mondays and Fridays will feature something from the fun/goofy/crazy/creative side of life. The MMM and triple F will be spectacular (maybe). In the beginning I will be able to pull posts from the previous blog to fill in, once they’re used up, the old blog will be gone, and someone else can take the address if they so choose (nothing irked me so much when I was trying to figure out where this blog would be as when I’d try an address and see the person using it hadn’t touched it in years or signed up for it and then never did anything with it). I’ll also intersperse other fictions and things that I’ve done.
I want to use this space not only as an outlet for myself, but also as a place where people might like to come and hang out from time to time. But to do that, I have to make the place inviting for others. Slowly but surely it will happen. As the wise-beyond-his-years Wayne Campbell would say, “It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine.”
Tomorrow I think I’ll start out with a real whiz-banger of an idea. Tune in. I’m sure you’ll be pleased.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Blog Neglegence
Was April 29 the last time I updated? Really? That's terrible. Bad Matt! Bad!
I should really update more frequently (ideally once a day at least). I do have some exciting news to share, but no time to do it right now. I'll have to do it later, but as a little teaser, I will soon no longer be tied to a soul-sucking retail job. Yay me!
I should really update more frequently (ideally once a day at least). I do have some exciting news to share, but no time to do it right now. I'll have to do it later, but as a little teaser, I will soon no longer be tied to a soul-sucking retail job. Yay me!
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