Thursday, January 8, 2009

Jesus and Buddha Have Tea on Mars, Someone Tell National Geographic

Dear National Geographic Society,

Let me preface this letter by saying I wholeheartedly respect the fine things that are done at the National Geographic Society and I think you are doing a great service to society. I myself have been exposed to some very amazing aspects of the world around us through your magazine and documentaries. Your images and information help make the world a better place.

But on the other hand, no one is perfect.

Recently, on a friend's blog, I read about one Andrew D. Basiago is an American attorney and amateur scientist who looked at one of the photos captured by the Mars Rover Spirit and claimed to have found evidence of life on Mars within the image (PIA10214). He said that the image contains "were beings in blue bodysuits and the abstract artwork of a Martian civilization. I was looking at the first evidence of life beyond Earth!" He also claims to have seen "a cosmic treasure trove of pictographic evidence of life on Mars, including humanoid beings, animal species, carved statues, and built structures."

Here is a copy of the image in question.

While I do not see the evidence that Mr. Basiago claims to see, I did notice something startling that your otherwise fine institution has failed to notice. Study the image with a little more scrutiny for a moment and perhaps you will see it. No? Let me show it to you.

Take a close look at the top of that second hill. No, not that one, the one to the right of it. Do you see it now? If it is still a little unclear let me explain. Those three vague lumps you see there, after much study and the consulting of other images I have discerned what they are. On the far left you have a unicorn. The unicorn is standing behind Jesus (center) who is having tea with Buddha (right). I know, I was floored too when I saw it. Go ahead and take a minute if you need it.

Now you might be asking yourself, what would Jesus, Buddha and a unicorn be doing having tea on the surface of Mars? I have given that matter much thought and have conducted research on that too, and I will share it with you now.

You see, Mars would act as the perfect platform from which Jesus could keep an eye on the Earth and then from which to stage his Second Coming. It is far enough away that he can stay out of the pesky affairs of mortals, yet close enough that he can keep an eye on what is happening on the planet. However, based on the findings of the Mars Rover, Mr. Christ might want to rethink his base of operations and move it to another celestial body to avoid detection by human eyes.

As near as I can tell from the ancient texts, Jesus and Buddha would have gotten along well in life. Therefore, it comes as no surprise that Buddha would stop in and say hello to his buddy Christ as he travels the known universe on his continual quest for further enlightenment. I'm sure it gets lonely on the surface of Mars with not many other creatures for Jesus to interact with, so he would appreciate the occasional visit from his friend Buddha. And considering Jesus' innate ability to change liquids into a form of excess, I am certain Buddha does not mind the spiked beverage.

The unicorn is easily explained as well. When God created the great flood and instructed Noah to build an arch and take two of every animal, the unicorn, as well as other magical beasts, were no where to be found. Obviously, God had already taken these creatures off of the planet Earth and absconded with the to parts unknown to save them 1) from the flood and 2) from the human population that might later want to exploit or disect them. This photo shows that at least the unicorn was taken to the surface of Mars, although further exploration might reveal other species of magicial beasties. The unicorn would most likely be haning around Jesus and Buddha's get together for the sugar cubes that would be available with the tea, as well as the companionship from humans.

Based on these findings, who knows what else might be found on the surface of the red planet. This could prove to be just the tip of the iceberg for science and humanity.

I can back these findings up with an extensive amount of data if you so require it. Feel free to contact me for further follow up. Additionally, I have some other interesting findings from some of the Mars Rover's other photos, including a shot that includes an image of Peter Pan skimming through the Mars atm
osphere with a couple of children as he takes them on to Never Never Land.

Again, to the people of the National Geographic Society, please do not hesitate to contact me if you would like to discuss my findings further. I expect you would want to put this on the cover of your fine magazine once you have had the opportunity to look over my findings. Being a magazine editor myself, I would be honored with the opportunity to do a full write up for your fine publication.

Best Regards,

(I couldn't help myself. Someone dared me.)


Eric said...

That's not Buddha, it's Buddha's big brother Billy. But don't worry about it--those two guys get mixed up all the time. Billy's a good guy when he's sober (five years now, not counting that relapse when he got arrested last summer!), so I hope Jesus isn't spiking his drink as you suggest. Billy's been told by his boss at the shoe store that if he falls off the wagon again, he's losing his assistant manager job. And then he'll be arrested for child support again, and that's an ever-shrinking death spiral for Billy.

(And I loved the post, Matt.)

Janiece said...

It's all clear to me, now.

I stand corrected here in my reality-based world.

Silly rabbit.

Some dude stuck in the Midwest said...

Considering that Mars' atphospere is thinner than the Earth's. What spectrum of rainbow will the Unicorns be farting?

Col. Mustard said...

I say, old chums, an expedition must be untaken immediately. Find my pith helmet and fire up the dirigible, Apu, we must immediately set forth to rescue those two worthies from the red menace of the little blue men. As for that unicorn, its head will fit nicely on the wall in my billiards room.

mattw said...

Konstantin, I'm not educated enough in that arena to answer that question, however, I might hypothesize that the magic that is keeping the unicorn alive in Mars' atmosphere might just keep the rainbow farts coming out in the same spectrum. *shrugs*

Shawn Powers said...

Your story is preposterous.

instructed Noah to build an arch

See, it was that Louis guy that built the arch. But still, I hear he was a saint, so I see how you confused them.

And it's clearly coffee. You can see the percolator by Jesus' knee.

kimby said...

I am so not letting Bug read this post. She has her own ideas and I am afraid that if she read this her head would explode!

On the other hand...great writing Matt!

vince said...

Note to self: be very careful what I dare Matt to do.

Anonymous said...


It's pixie dust as far as the eye can see.